How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen

Brooks asserts that seeing others deeply—beyond surface traits and stereotypes—is a moral act. Drawing on Iris Murdoch’s claim that love is “the knowledge of the individual,” he presents attention not as passive observation but as an intentional and ethical form of recognition. He divides people into two categories: “Illuminators,” who help others feel seen, and “Diminishers,” who render them invisible. As an alternative to the traditional “warrior/statesman” model of character development—which he argues is inherently competitive and thus socially destructive—he suggests that developing good character means becoming an Illuminator rather than a Diminisher. Practical, concrete ways to achieve this might include slowing down interactions, resisting distractions, and consciously offering others one’s full presence. In leadership, this could involve eliminating performative, superficial check-ins in favor of substantive one-on-one conversations. In education or parenting, it might mean observing a child’s emotional cues rather than defaulting to correction or instruction. By treating attention as a skill to be cultivated—just as one cultivates skills in craftsmanship and professional life—Brooks reframes interpersonal presence as a pathway to moral development both personally and societally.