We Have Always Been Here: A Queer Muslim Memoir

We Have Always Been Here: A Queer Muslim Memoir is an award-winning 2019 memoir by photographer, journalist, and LGBTQ+ activist Samra Habib. We Have Always Been Here documents Samra’s journey from early childhood in Pakistan to their present-day position as a renowned journalist and public LGBTQ+ Muslim figure. Their family moves to Canada when they are young to escape religious persecution. In Canada, their family faces poverty and racial/religious-based discrimination as immigrants in a new land. As their family struggles to adjust, Samra grapples with their LGBTQ+ identity in a strict religious household. When Samra turns 18, they run away from home and an arranged marriage to find themself. Samra brings together their two identities, being Muslim and LGBTQ+, and shows that they are fully compatible despite what many might think. Samra’s story defies stereotypes and charts their journey toward a complex and nuanced understanding of both their faith and queer identity. The memoir deals with themes such as Reconciling Faith and LGBTQ+ Identity, navigating Found Family and Finding One’s Identity, and the complex journey of Healing Intergenerational Trauma.

We Have Always Been Here won the Lambda Literary Award and the Canada Reads Award in 2020. The memoir has been listed in Book Riot’s 100 Most Influential Queer Books of All Time.

Note: We Have Always Been Here uses she/her and gendered labels such as “woman” and “girl” for Samra Habib. Habib now uses they/them pronouns and identifies as queer in regard to their gender and sexuality. While Habib is presented within the memoir as a cisgender woman, this study guides uses they/them pronouns when discussing Habib’s experiences in the memoir.

Content Warning: The source text contains sexual assault, brief descriptions of sex, suicidal ideation and suicide attempts, domestic abuse, anti-Muslim biases, and anti-LGBTQ+ biases.

Summary

We Have Always Been Here is divided into 12 chapters that chronicle Habib’s life from childhood to the creation of their photography project Just Me and Allah. Habib’s early childhood in Lahore, Pakistan, is filled with strong memories of Lahore’s unique sounds, sights, and tastes. Habib is raised as a girl and documents the strict ways that women are treated in Lahore. Habib’s mother becomes lively when men are not around and shrinks in on herself when men are present. Habib is sexually assaulted at the age of four by an anonymous man. Their parents become hyper-protective as a result and refuse to let Habib out of their sight. The chapter ends with Habib’s first encounter with a Hijra woman.

Chapter 2 details the last of Habib’s time in Pakistan and their subsequent move to Canada. As members of the Ahmadiyya revival, Habib’s family is a religious minority and faces severe persecution from Sunni extremists in Pakistan. In 1991, the persecution by the Sunnis becomes too much, and the family moves to Canada. Habib’s final memories of Pakistan are in Rabwah, a city close to Lahore that has a high Ahmadiyya population.

Chapter 3 finds Habib and their family adjusting to life in Canada. Habib’s family consists of their mother, their father, their two unnamed sisters, their brother Bilal, and their cousin Nasir (to whom Habib is secretly arranged to be married when they reach 18). The family struggles with money, and their father falls into a deep depression. Their father shrinks in on himself in Canada, while their mother finds herself severely isolated. Habib is bullied relentlessly by white children in school and finds a haven in their English as a Second Language (ESL) courses with Ms. Nakamura.

Chapter 4 introduces Habib’s arranged marriage and the start of their rebellion. Habib begins to wrestle with their attraction to women, which they first realized in the gender-segregated spaces of Pakistan as a child. Habib gets their first part-time job at 13 to escape from Nasir and their home life. They begin removing their hijab at school and sneaking off to parties. When Habib turns 18, they are forced to marry Nasir.

Chapter 5 details the end of Habib’s high school life and their escape from home. Habib is first excited to finally be able to explore intimacy with Nasir only to realize they have no attraction to men. Nasir begins policing them and watching their every action. Habib finds solace in their friendship with Peter, a Black student at their high school. After they attempt suicide, Habib comes clean with their family and ends the marriage. Shortly after, Habib moves in with Peter to escape their parents.

Chapter 6 follows Habib as they begin their undergraduate degree in journalism. They meet Andrew at school, who quickly becomes their best friend. Andrew is their first real insight into LGBTQ+ culture. Habib marries Peter out of a feeling of necessity and grows distant from Peter. Habib tries to tentatively join friend circles with other people of color but finds themself ostracized as an impoverished first-generation immigrant. Their mother opens a salon to support the family. Habib begins slowly repairing their relationship with their mother in the salon space.

Chapter 7 follows Habib in their first full-time job as an editorial assistant where they meet Abi, their boss, who is an out lesbian. Habib becomes infatuated with Abi and her wife, Megan. Habib begins to wonder if they married Peter for the security of hiding their true self. Habib buys a condo with Peter to cover up these feelings and experiences suicidal ideation again. Their father tries to repair their relationship and helps them end their marriage to Peter.

Chapter 8 takes Habib to Japan to find themself. They have loved Japan ever since their ESL courses and decide it is the perfect place to reinvent themself and explore their LGBTQ+ identities. While in Japan, Habib visits gay men’s bars, still too afraid to visit the lesbian bars. Habib begins to embrace a closer relationship with their body while in Japan and returns to Canada ready to claim their LGBTQ+ identity.

Chapter 9 introduces Alex, Habib’s polyamorous bisexual boyfriend. Alex and Habib travel all over the world, and Habib feels safe enough in a heterosexual-presenting relationship to start exploring their attractions to women in private. After having sex with a woman named Tiffany in Montreal with Alex, Habib realizes who they truly are. They break up with Alex, not wanting to live in hiding any longer.

Chapter 10 finds Habib wanting to reconnect with Islam. Habib abandoned the faith when they ran away from home. Habib joins the Unity Mosque in Toronto, which is full of LGBTQ+ Muslims like themself. Habib’s faith is just as important to them as their LGBTQ+ identity. The Unity Mosque inspires them to begin their journey into photography. Habib wants to photograph LGBTQ+ Muslims to combat the stigma they face.

Chapter 11 is a meditation on the meaning of home and Habib’s repaired familial relationships. Habib reconnects with their parents and is fully accepted by both their mother and father. Habib has been looking for home all along and has found it again in both their found family and their newly fixed relationship with their parents.

Chapter 12 concludes Habib’s journey with a keynote speech at the University of North Carolina titled “Spirituality as a Radical Tool.” Habib gives the speech after Trump’s election to the American presidency in November 2016. His election leads to a spike in anti-Islamic violence within the United States. Habib ends the memoir with a letter to their seven-year-old self. The letter promises the seven-year-old Habib that life gets better and that they do not need to hide who they are.